"Fashion is the physical manifestation of who you are"

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Shades of Blue


Chambray Top: J. Crew | Blue Skinnie Mini: Gap Inc. | Brown Leather Belt: Old Navy | Purse: Michael Kors | Sandals: Nine West | Optics: Ray Ban | Oversized Link Bracelet: J. Crew 

 I feel desolate. 

{ Alone. }

And incomplete. 

And yet, there are moments of complete clarity, in which I don't feel alone. There are bright moments of color that come breaking through the dark only to shine light on the reality of the situation. No matter how hard things seem to get, you are always there to see me through. You have stuck by my side over the course of 10 years, and yet still to this day you seem to amaze me.

Each day that passes you take a little piece of my heart. Each day that goes by my soul seems to become more tightly entwined with yours. As though it was our fate to find each other during these times. I know with absolute clarity that you were meant for me, and me for you. There will never be another that can strike the amount of courage, bravery, and inspiration the way you do.

Living with Bipolar II Disorder has changed my life in so many ways. I have always associated my life with one of bitter loneliness. A life in which I would run wild with no one to keep up with me. But you caught up long enough to pull me back down to earth. Long enough for me to see that I don't have to be alone. You understand my type of crazy -- and have loved me every moment the disorder has slowly unraveled my life.

You stuck with me in my darkest moments of my life, and refused to allow me to lose myself further. Because of you I know the type of woman I want to be, because you already know that's who I am. My mind has always had the capability of completely veering my life off course. When The Mind takes control it's as though there is no sense that can be felt. There is no way of making me see the light of the situation.

In these dark moments, I feel as though I have no one on my side. As though the world is out to get me, and it's me against them. My support system falls apart as I start to turn against them.

But with one simple statement you have felled my attempts at pushing you away.

"I'm not kicking you while your down, I'm extending a hand to help you up"

In this moment you secretly stole yet another piece of my heart. Luckily for me, once you've collected all the tiny pieces which seem to glue me together, they're in safe keeping. You have always treasured every moment of our lives together. You remind me of things I have vague collections of. More than that, you inspire me to bridge the gap between my past and present.

You make me want to be more. You make me want to be exceptional.

I spent years believing I was unworthy of being loved by another. I honestly believed that I was unfit to ever be a wife or mother. I felt these were things I would never get, because I didn't deserve them.

A wife, because how could I ever love another if I could not even bring myself to love me.

A mother, because of how having a Bipolar mother was unfair. I would be a horrible mother, wife or even girlfriend. I was undeserving because of the hand I was dealt in life. Being mentally ill meant I would never experience the simple joy of love. It meant I was doomed to wander these lands eternally alone.

{I was doomed until I saw you clearly}

You are my salvation.

It took me ten years to realize you loved me. And I'm sorry for the delay. I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner. I've wasted years on endless misery, instead of a love-induced bliss.

But you are resilient. And I feel so undeserving of you. I feel so undeserving of the love you have brought into my life.

There are times in which I am told that I don't really love you, or that you are actually not the man for me. But these individuals have no way of knowing how deep my love runs, when you yourself can barely grasp its depth. They don't know, because it's not their business.

They don't know how you saved me -- they see only the false facade I have projected. 
The don't know me like you do.  

You've brought an endless summer into my life, in which everything seems to only get brighter and better. You've made me feel love.. true uninhibited love. The kind of love that can render you immobile at its grandeur.

I read once that there are souls which seem to be compatible with each other. That souls wander through life looking for a pair in which they feel comfortable and can pair with easily. You do more than that.. you make my soul come alive.

 You are my soul's perfect other half. 

I love you. 



Currently Listening To: The Beatles -- Black Bird